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What’s Your Relationship Attachment Style?

Ask yourself, are you stuck in toxic relationship patterns? Are you struggling to understand why you keep making the same mistakes with different partners? Identifying your attachment style is a healthy way to change your behaviour and work towards a positive-relationship future.

Thinking caps on! We’re gonna delve into the psychology of attachment theory and see how it affects our adult relationships. 💌🧠

What is 'Attachment Theory'?

In the 1960s, psychiatrist John Bowlby realised the importance of our early relationships with our primary caregivers (whether that be parental figures, grandparents, guardians, etc), and how it affected our social, emotional, and cognitive development later in life.

Attachment Theory dictates how the ‘attachment styles’ we develop in our youth can shape the quality of our adult relationships - from how we relate to romantic partners, to how we view, give, and receive love and affection. Bowlby established 3 attachment styles... Which type do you identify with most? 👇

1. SECURE ATTACHMENT 🤗

❓ What was your relationship with your caregiver like?

Three words: stable, consistent, and safe. You had a positive and loving relationship with your primary caregiver(s), who tended lovingly to your needs and helped you learn how to express a full range of emotions.

❓ How do you behave in romantic relationships?

With unwavering confidence and self assurance (go you)! You generally don’t display any jealous or possessive behaviour. You thrive in the company of romantic partners, but maintain your own life outside of the relationship, without the need for constant reassurance.

While a secure attachment style doesn't necessarily mean that your relationships are perfect ('perfect' relationships don’t exist, by the way!), you’re strongly equipped to handle any problems thrown at you in a healthy way. ✅

❓ So, what’s dating like for someone like you?

Secure + Secure:

Dating another person with a secure attachment style is the crème de la crème of combos, and what many of us strive for. You’ll both feel loved and safe enough to be able to explore the relationship, and feel confident and free to be totally yourselves. Sounds like a dream. ☁️✨

Secure + Anxious:

You might feel pressured by being put on a pedestal by your anxious partner. They may want to spend all of their time with you, while you really value your personal space.

With communication and compromise, there’s no reason why this dynamic can’t work. You’ll be a reassuring influence that can help to bring your anxious match out of their shell. Just be careful that this doesn’t backfire into you mirroring their anxious traits.

Secure + Avoidant:

You enjoy alone time, so will be able to handle the distance an avoidant partner needs, especially at first.

Long-term, however, the emotional (or physical) distance gap may become too large to bridge, and you may feel lonely and as though you have needs that aren’t being fully met. The avoidant partner might not be able to offer or mirror the attention and closeness you crave. Keep that communication open and don't be tempted to catch on to any of their insecurities!

2. AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT 🤐

❓ What was your relationship with your caregiver like?

It may be that your primary caregiver(s) were emotionally unavailable and unresponsive to your needs. They may have lacked empathy towards you, and may not have effectively responded to your desires for closeness and affection. Over time, this may have led you to struggle to fully trust that you can rely on anyone as a solid support system. 🔓

❓ How do you behave in romantic relationships?

If you have an avoidant attachment, you tend to shy away from emotional intimacy and may struggle with the concept of a committed relationship altogether. Sometimes you struggle to relate to romantic interests because it takes a while for you to build trust. You can be your own saboteur - managing to convince yourself that you're not worthy of a long-term relationship, so that you don’t risk the potential for hurt or emotional pain. You may find romantic partners are too needy or clingy, but this is often a reflection of uncertainty in how to behave when getting closer to someone.

❓ So, what’s dating like for someone like you?

Avoidant + Avoidant:

Uh-oh, double whammy! But hey, both of you will be on the same page when it comes to swerving intimacy and getting closer. You can both enjoy your own personal space, but may find it tough to build a long-lasting connection due to a lack of a desire for quality time together.

And since you avoidants struggle to reach out for emotional support, you’ll be unlikely to receive anything from an equally avoidant partner. As a result, stagnancy and unresolved issues may encourage a relationship ‘fizzle-out’. 👎

Avoidant + Anxious:

Avoidants and anxious types go together like chocolate and cheese (yep - that means not at all ❌ ). It’s a classic game of cat and mouse. The closer the anxious partner wants to get, the further away the avoidant person will run. One behaviour triggers the other, and it’s hard to meet in the middle. 🐱🐭

The good news is there is hope for couples stuck in this cycle, especially those who can notice when a pattern has been formed. Work to compromise by mapping out which of your partner’s actions trigger certain feelings, and which emotional needs you need to be met in the relationship.

As an avoidant, showing vulnerability can be scary, but you’ve got to open up about your fears and feelings for them to understand your sometimes-distant behaviours and need for personal space.

Avoidant + Secure:

This dynamic has great potential if both partners are willing to keep an open communication. Avoidant types tend to not vocalise when they want or need emotional support. Instead, they'll use more subtle hints (like lowered moods, snappiness, and withdrawal).

A secure type will have the emotional intelligence to support the avoidant without pushing their boundaries of personal space. But if your secure partner’s needs aren’t met on an even keel and they speak up about it? A lack of communication may have you concluding that if your partner isn’t happy they’d be better off without you. If you find yourself pushing people away before letting them know the real you, work on bringing those barriers down.

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT 😰

❓ What was your relationship with your caregiver like?

You may have had less security, stability and consistent affection than you needed growing up. Perhaps your primary caregiver(s) weren’t always there when you needed them most, and fears of rejection and abandonment have developed from a lack of attention and care.

❓ How do you behave in romantic relationships?

You may have certain personal insecurities that are enhanced by social situations, such as anxiety, neediness, jealousy, and low self-esteem. The thought of a partner going out to enjoy time without you may worry you (even when there's nothing to be concerned about!), and you find yourself feeling put out by them having their own interests and hobbies.

You tend to focus more on what they're doing over what you’re doing. You always put others before yourself, and - reality check: this ain’t healthy! Ultimately, you feel safer with consistent reassurance, and look for relationships that offer an enduring sense of security. 🔐

❓ So, what’s dating like for someone like you?

Anxious + Anxious:

It can be easy to naturally gravitate towards other people with anxious attachment styles because you both want to spend as much time as possible together. While this might mean you both fall head-over-heels into a close and intimate relationship, it can also lead to an unhealthy dependence on one another. Be careful not to shut out other important people in your life as a result. ☝️

Anxious + Secure:

Secure, secure, secure - isn’t it what we all look for?

Granted, this combo can work, but it may be imbalanced and more fulfilling for you as the anxious one. While your secure partner will be able to provide the assurance you need, they might struggle to do this long-term.

Be warned: it’ll be easy for you to fall into the trap of jealousy and possessiveness with a secure partner, who may find themselves repetitively emphasising the importance of maintaining your own lives outside the relationship.

If you find yourself desperately missing your partner whenever they’re not around, reassure yourself that you can be happy on your own (because you can!). Practise self-care (meditation, exercise, reading books, cooking for yourself, getting enough sleep) and fall in love with spending time by yourself again. Distance makes the heart grow fonder! 💗

Anxious + Avoidant:

Again, this is far from a match made in heaven. You require as much love, affection, and attention from a romantic partner as possible, but avoidants are distant and the least equipped to devote themselves to their partners’ needs.

You may push the avoidant away, making them withdraw and become even more distant, while their lack of care may leave you feeling deflated and unworthy of love.

Relationships are for bringing the best out of one another, not the worst. Try not to expect someone else to meet any emotional needs that you aren't able to meet yourself. If you're anxious and always seek reassurance from your partner, you might benefit from working on your self-esteem. Be kind to yourself, celebrate small daily wins, and aim for goals that are achievable. You’ll get there, trust us. ✨

Personal growth for mutual gain 🤝

Now that you've established your attachment style, how can you use this to improve your relationships?

Firstly, we shouldn't view attachment styles as fixed boxes that define us. Bowlby’s internal working model is only a rough guide about how we might want to approach relationships.

Identifying with more traits of one attachment style than another doesn't mean you're destined for unhealthy relationships! Instead, you're open to making them healthier by recognising any negative patterns you may have been following without knowing, and working to change for the better.

We’re all unique individuals who are free to grow and adapt. If we can make links between adult behaviour and the roots that have encouraged us to be a certain way, we can work towards new outlooks that’ll improve our happiness in relationships. ❤️

Which attachment style do you identify most with? What advice can you offer for improving relationship behaviours? Have you had any positive or negative experiences with partners who’ve displayed certain attachment traits? We love hearing from you, so comment below. 👇




Comments
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